LUNGS

After Embudo before the canyon ends

We went to a new doctor in Espanola Wednesday. Dr. Narayanan seems very sharp, and he curses at his computer when he loses data from a bad internet connection, just the way PQ swears at bad drivers, and would do if he used the internet. Our reason for going was to learn about a new trial drug for Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis. However, we discovered we would have to do an update on PQ’s condition.

The new doctor considers PQ a lucky man to still be alive and to have made it for over seven years with minimal problems. He also informed us of some facts about lung transplants that were new information, and warned us that any medication has risks that must be weighed against the risk of doing nothing.  So, no miracles but more information and the opinion that having lived so long since being diagnosed is remarkable in itself. Also, few transplant patients make it beyond five years and the medications for suppressing the immune system and yet cope with the communal oxygen source we all share are very toxic to the body, extremely expensive and would involve living near the transplant center. This option is beyond our capabilities, even if we wanted to go that route, and now it doesn’t seem very attractive. By this reckoning, if PQ had a lung transplant when it was originally proposed it might have killed him by this time. Besides his life’s purpose and our shared life is not merely to survive while attached to a treatment center.

Dr. Lakshmi-Narayanan is very sharp and personable and in addition to giving us some new information, told us the story of his coming to Espanola. While working in New York, he researched for available positions in places that had an Indian community. He discovered an available opening at the hospital in Espanola New Mexico and decided to take it. He and his wife arrived in New Mexico and as they approached Espanola, they thought they had accidentally crossed the border and were alarmed that they didn’t have their passports with them. Then after arriving in Espanola, they discovered that there was in fact a large Indian community but made up of Native American Indians.  He thought he would work in Espanola for a year, possibly two and then move somewhere else, but that was either five or seven years ago (memory lapse on my part). Consequently, the Land of Enchantment snagged another victim!

Rio Grande Gold

We know there is some meaning to this disease. It has certainly changed our life and our expectation about life. For me it is an uncomfortable irony that after all the years I waited for PQ he would have a potentially deadly illness hanging over every life decision when finally we got together. The other side of this is that it probably has changed his entire outlook on life. 

As a type A person he is a much more patient (except in traffic) and compassionate person than he was earlier in life. I find my own hopes and expectations in life also changing radically. We are elders now, and to me that indicates it is time to filter the essential possibilities from many hopes and dreams that crowded our attention in earlier times.

We both feel there is much to be learned from this disease while learning about it and I have a sense that there is something just over the next hill that will come into view. It is easy to be discouraged and worry about the future as the path narrows and the climb becomes more challenging. Just when we are barely getting one foot in front of another, it seems that more unexpected expenses are ambushing us from behind each hidden stone and shrub along our path making the journey more challenging. I can only accept that I’m in training to have more trust in a power that nevertheless seems to provide us with just what we need to keep going. Learning a Medicine Path seems to require a personal process of failure or disease in order to reveal its essence and power. I’m gradually waking to the recognition that life is about this Medicine Path. Healing holds and then gradually reveals the mysteries of life. Although time by its nature diminishes our range, it provides us with the necessary stage for each act in our cosmic journey.

Tonight is All Souls Night at the Pueblo. PQ is feeling a bit guilty that we aren’t formally acknowledging it and yet I noticed that it intruded on my thoughts all day as it did his. I just finished Reading Mabel Dodge Lujan’s autobiography and the past and its people seem unusually present. My grandparents came through very clearly as more than a memory and it seemed very strange that all the people who make up our ancestors generations past are people that we will never know on this dimension and they will never know us.  However, I feel that the consciousness that they represented continues to circulate through each generation. And yet, I would still like to time travel and meet them personally.

COLUMBUS DAY

In the early 80’s I worked for Atlantic Richfield in Denver during the oil boom. Every day I walked the mile and a half to work from my apartment in Capital Hill.  Work began at 7:30 am two and a half hours too early for my metabolism.  I was sleep deprived the entire five years of my employment but the walk downtown was precious time to meditate and visualize before I had to walk through the door of a skyscraper into the manufactured environment of 17^th street. One day I remember the skyscrapers and asphalt  gradually becoming transparent and I could see and smell the dirt, buffalo grass and chamisa underneath.  It was like a double exposure. It made me feel freer and I held that vision for a long time.

So what does this have to do with Columbus Day? Well that artificial world concealing the dirt and grass that supports it would never have existed if Christopher Columbus had been unsuccessful. It was the extension of a disease that was beginning to overtake Europe. He never made it to the mainland of the new world and always believed he found a new route to Asia. I guess we credit another Italian, Amerigo Vespucci with that but there is no doubt that he was the first symptom of an unstoppable disease.   I sometimes wonder if the sci-fi movies about alien invasions and catastrophic epidemics of incurable viruses from other planets isn’t about the deeply buried guilt of the vanquishers. 

Typical Idyllic Image of the Arrival of Columbus

In real life, there is no one-way victory. The defeated have a special power over the victors that will never go away until acknowledged, or if in denial eventually to worm its way through the body of the apparent victors until it consumes their vitality.

Some in the Italian community were very upset by Seattle’s decision to rename October 13, 2014 Indigenous People’s Day. However, the Norse discovered North American almost 500 years before Columbus. I wouldn’t be surprised if other discoverers are awaiting discovery.  Of course, people have been here a long time and unless someone discovers that inhabitants of the Americas discovered Asia instead of the other way around, then ancient Asians are probably the true discoverers of the Americas.

Italian-Americans are deeply offended," Lisa Marchese, a lawyer affiliated with the Order Sons of Italy in America, told The Seattle Times. By this resolution, you say to all Italian-Americans that the city of Seattle no longer deems your heritage or your community worthy of recognition.

From the other side: 

Councilmember Kshama Sawant was clear about why activists pushed for the city to celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day on the same date as Columbus Day.

The 15th-century explorer “played such a pivotal role in the worst genocide humankind has ever known,” Sawant said, referring to the decimation of the Native American population in the decades after Columbus.

When I was a schoolchild Columbus was unquestionably a hero. Also, it was another day off and that was the most important thing. I’m glad that the hero status of Columbus is under reevaluation although I must say it was in many ways braver for him and his men to take off across the sea in 1492 than for today’s astronauts to travel to the moon and beyond now. But, it worries me that the mentality has not changed that much and bravery isn’t good enough. I do believe humans need to evolve to another level beyond cosmic thugs before colonizing any other planets. The lessons are beneath our feet in the earth and sky we hide with our big buildings, contraptions and smog. I do pray and hope that humanity begins another level of discovery, the discovery of respectful and balanced relationship between our neighbors and us.

LIVING IN THE AUTUMN FADE OUT

It’s hard to believe that autumn is here again. The older I am the faster the earth spins. I remember photographing a beautiful view of the Valarde valley this time last year and it seems only weeks ago. But, I keep talking about how time flies. I need to move on. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I’m making any progress, just getting more wrinkles while spinning my wheels in the same spot. Autumn moves in slyly. One morning I notice the air is crisp, the sky is deep blue and the grass is losing color. This year we didn’t celebrate San Geronimo day at the Pueblo. PQ’s son Corey is living at the Pueblo house now and doesn’t like the disturbance. He checked into a motel for two days to avoid the crowd.  We didn’t have the resources to put on a feast anyway and it just didn’t seem worth the trouble to fight the traffic just to see the pole climb.  I feel a bit guilty and also troubled by my loss of interest in the doings of both the Pueblo and the town of Taos.

The High Road to Santa Fe Yesterday.

I’ve wondered, am I bored or am I depressed?  I’m not sure which it is, but feel Taos losing its luster. There is no doubt that the art scene has become static and tourists no longer spend as much money as they once did. Maybe more Taosenos are staying home as we do, or maybe we don’t see them because we don’t go to art openings or hang out at local bars and coffee shops as we used to do.  We went to Lenny Foster’s Living Light, 25-year celebration last week and it was great to see old friends and find Lenny’s beautiful gallery doing well. Almost like the old days, but not the way it was in the 80’s and 90’s. I’m thinking that Taos is going through an autumn season of its own. Just as with nature, there is that gradual loss of color at first, and you wonder if it is just your perception or if the fading is real. Yet the sky is still brilliant, and the mountain remains awesomely impressive overlooking the valley. No, this isn’t about nature or landscape, at least nothing visible. 

Yet perhaps it is nature that is behind these changes. The world is in constant flux. We humans almost take for granted that we are observers of nature and fail to notice that we are part of nature. The loss of habitat and the high maintenance of our hi-tech world affect internal environment as well as external environment. As the technical world, surges toward an undefined pinnacle there are already signs of spent vitality. Is it possible that the destruction of Atlantis is a story repeated cyclically? It may be about our future as much as a cautionary tale from the past.

I wonder if anyone else finds it paradoxical that so much amazing technology is channeled on the likes of Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest etc., and on a more dangerous level, there are the amazing technologies of hacking and war. Yet human interaction on a soulful level seems diminished. I hope it is just developmental autumn.  Alternatively, call it the use of higher powers for lower ends, which is also a definition of black magic. Somehow, the development of human consciousness and moral responsibility has fallen far behind the development of human technology, in Buddhist terms, “the monkey mind” rules.

After autumn comes winter, so it’s too soon to look for new life. However, it’s a good time to prepare the soil for the spring. I have nothing to go on but intuition, since I’m not sure what to plant.  There is always concern for PQ’s health. We want to be in Cottonwood Arizona but patience must rule. There are unfinished things here in Taos such as recent family issues that require our presence, and PQ has an appointment with the hospital in Espanola that we are anticipating. The fine doctor at the Indian Health Clinic here in Taos is retiring but he set up this appointment for PQ. It is about a new drug for Pulmonary Fibrosis given on experimental trial. This is good news because this drug has recently become available in Canada and India but isn’t supported by insurance here in the U.S.  It is far too expensive for us Taos folks, so this was an extraordinary surprise. 

I did a reading for myself using the Russian Gypsy cards, and as usual, it was very insightful. Sometimes an objective take on one’s situation brings a new perspective. I don’t usually talk about them but these cards are not easy to find although I’ve had this deck for close to twenty years. They are totally different from Tarot cards, more specific and practical, less dependent on interpretation. This particular deck is personally attuned to me. Only occasionally will it deliver for someone else. I only use it if I feel brave enough. I’ve literally never had it fail, although sometimes it seems contradictory until something happens that clears the apparent contradiction. This time the message was more symbolic and subtle but from it I recognized that false modesty keeps me in the shadows. It is largely avoidance of criticism or rejection and thus fear based. Holding back one’s knowledge and abilities is not unpretentiousness but inappropriate self-interest.

 Here is the reading (much shorter than a typical reading but very effective):

Angel in second position: Reconciliation will give you joy. Reconciliation with the part of self I’ve shelved and reconciliation with Angelic message, i.e. neglected abilities and knowledge.

Crayfish in second position: Coping with fate. Listen attentively so you can correct whatever you have been doing wrong even if your pride will be hurt.

Bread in third position: Having received something don’t forget those around you. Share what you have with others. I now recognize that this isn’t about material things but knowledge and insight that I usually keep to myself.

Moon in third position: Delay in action will work against you. Time goes by and you get old. Make decisions and put into action. Be subtle, peaceful but determined. Avoid friction.

I do hope the message goes all the way to my core. After all, I am a part of the world that needs to move forward, and yet it is surprisingly difficult put away habits in perception and judgement. I suppose its about the fish who doesn't see the water.

                                                                                                                                                                                  

THE CHANGING

 The sudden change in atmosphere that I identify with the coming of fall moved in last week. Perhaps it started with the full moon in Aquarius, as the moon came closest to earth. In addition, the time for their annual pilgrimage to Blue Lake by the Taos Pueblo people is this week.  On our way to the Pueblo house we noticed that many of the horses that were in the main pasture since spring had been corralled in preparation for their trek to Blue Lake. 

It seems like merely a few days ago that the tree leaves were fresh and the pastures were finally green after an interminably long winter.  In childhood, a few yellow leaves at the top of a Cottonwood in mid-August meant that I could only enjoy life for three more weeks.  Now, sadly children return to school in mid-August. I hope that their experience with school is better than when and where mine was as a schoolchild.

Visiting Our Neighborhood

We are two years on the other side of the 2012 end of the world.  However, this doesn’t mean that it is the same world just because it didn’t end by meteor collision or alien takeover. Perhaps it’s only a matter of degree. Each day is a different world than the day before. Each day some people are born into this world and some exit this world. For me, time is the greatest of all mysteries. Everything in our world flashes in and out by the engine of time. The older I become, the greater the mysteries of time and existence in time becomes.  Strangely, it doesn’t bother me as it once did. Now it’s mostly curiosity and a desire to understand what remains.

Recently, Robin Williams left us by his own hand. It was a shock but somehow it fit with his personal self-portrait. That doesn’t mean there couldn’t or shouldn’t have been a different end to his story, but this was one that in hindsight seems plausible within its tragic overtones. His archetype was the sensitive clown.  He was a public figure and his fans hoped that he would triumph over his difficulties. That would have been a ritual victory for everyone who struggles against the dark side of life. Nevertheless, it is all one large picture and we wander around like ants in a big landscape. It only seems like the whole picture because we can’t see very much of it from our little piece of time and place.

Last week Marcello's Chinese Wife, Maria takes a photo of He and PQ.
who met 23 years ago at the Adobe Inn

On Sunday, we were at a wedding at almost 13,000 feet. It was for one of PQ’s nephews. It began and ended at the Bavarian but the romantic young couple had their ceremony by a waterfall several hundred feet above the restaurant. PQ was asked to sing the couple in and although he sounded fine, he was dizzy at that altitude and had to concentrate on staying conscious. It was all beautiful, and it had been a long time since I’ve been at a lush high alpine climate, but it was a relief that we had to leave early to take son Corey to work.

 We went to Indian Market yesterday. The day was beautiful and poignant because like a flower it won’t happen in just the same way ever again.  It made me appreciate what we have while remembering when PQ didn’t have to stop to breathe every few minutes.  I think we should look into a wheel chair for times like this. He is still physically strong and otherwise healthy but bad lungs are like a short rope.

Our 3^rd anniversary is coming up next month, although the impression is that we have been together for lifetimes. Of course, in our dream of being together the health and time limitations didn’t yet exist. But, there are good reasons for borders and time.  Saturn the border maker is always setting the stage for the next to last act.

A wedding at 13,000 feet. Beautiful but challenging for bad lungs.

 When I was a child, I had a recurring dream of running from a raging flood.  To escape with my life, I had to leap over a cavern that was getting wider by the moment. It was virtually an impossible leap but I gave it everything I had and barely made it to the other side. Sometimes I was hanging by fingernails and desperately clawing my way up the opposite bank to safety. Every time this happened, I was amazed that I actually made it. I always awoke with my heart pounding.

 

Looking back, I wonder why it was so important to outrun this pursuer. Life is temporary and old man Saturn always wins the final race no matter how slow he runs. So what would have happened if the flood had won this race? Maybe not to make it across this chasm is just another type of experience rather than total defeat and death. By definition, time is limited but there is also another reality behind this perceptible stage.   It is detached from our 3D story because there is always another act that isn’t visible to us the audience and actors.  My personal medicine is to recognize that I’m not just a spectator and only an actor for a while. So, what happens if I don’t understand what I just said? I suppose another flood will come and another until I understand the what and why.

There are terrible things happening in the world and yet this moment and place is calm and only a welcome gentle rain exists outside our door tonight. No one knows why there are always floods, earthquakes, cruelty and wars somewhere.  We can appreciate the calm and beautiful times without guilt because the wounded system we exist in totters back and forth trying to find its balance. If only we could learn to move backstage before the drama catches us.